When I was in the early years of mothering my special son, everything seemed like a huge challenge and larger than life… and I do mean, EVERYTHING ! When would he be able to sit up without help? Would he ever pull himself up to standing and get vertical? Will he EVER get that tongue in his mouth? When could I expect to hear an intelligible word out of him? And the 64,000 dollar question…. Will he EVER be toilet trained? And what about dressing himself… will that happen at some point?
I am happy to report that he met all those milestones. In true “Noah” fashion, he met them all, in his own way, on his own timetable. Of course I helped support him in the learning process, but he remained on his own schedule. There would be no rushing him, and no hurrying up the process. The toilet training finally was complete when he was 7 years old, and it’s a good thing because I just knew he would be pooping his pants on his 21st birthday!
He used to lie down on the floor and rock, especially to music. It was pretty darn cute, most of the time, except when we would have company who really didn’t know Noah, and then I would suddenly feel weird about what he was doing. It was interesting to me because it never usually bothered me…except for those times when others were around. Well anyway, he eventually stopped doing that several years ago, just like he sort of outgrew other behaviors. I’m sure he will never stop lining up his cars though. Oi Vey !!!
The latest interesting behaviors have to do with tape on the face and wearing the same clothing everyday until it is ripped and tattered. I deal with this by accepting it within the home, and not allowing him to leave the house in those clothes, with tape on his face. Again, Oi Vey !!!
So, what is my point, you say? Acceptance. That’s it in a nutshell. Look, I know it is tough raising children no matter if they are facing special challenges or not. Noah has 7 siblings, and believe me when I say I have dealt with MANY different challenges presented by each and every one of them. I have been challenged and pushed to grow and learn from all they have tossed my way. Noah is no different in that sense. But, one of the most amazing and beautiful things about growing older, is the gift of perspective one gains.
I am old enough now to know, without a doubt, that stuff really does work out okay. I can look back and remember the struggles of the early years with Noah. I don’t feel things the same way anymore. I am making peace with what is, and it feels good. I am easier on myself and have learned to forgive myself for the stuff I didn’t do for and with Noah, and his siblings. I can do this because I am now able to recognize that I did the best I could based on what I knew and what I had to work with. I am doing it still. Good enough is just that… good enough.
There will always be one more thing: one more therapy you become aware of, one more piece of equipment you think you need to try, one more book with answers for you to search out, one more behavior that pops up, one more this or that. I don’t want to discourage you from doing whatever you feel you need to do to help your child. I just want you to know that you will reach a point where you will really really know that you have loved your child enough, because you have always been there. You have always accepted who this child is and what this child brings to your life. And I do believe you will make peace with that knowledge. Raising your child is a marathon experience, and I know you are in it for the long haul. I applaude you. You are doing an amazing job. Just remember that the “one more thing” will happen, and its okay. How do you find that place of accepting and being able to be okay? Here’s how I do it:
- Laugh every single day
- Realize there are things beyond your control
- Set reasonable expectations for yourself
- Reject the notion that there is a perfect way to raise your kid
- Be content knowing “good enough” really is
- Look in the mirror at least once a day and give yourself a thumbs up
- Laugh some more
Okay, lecture done. Oh, one more thing…. You guys are doing a great job… You really really are. I’m proud to be counted among your ranks. Now, go give your kids a big hug. I’m gonna get Noah some Diet Coke !!!
Meet The Author...
Delores... has been a single mom of 8 kids since 1998. Since that time, she has completed a Masters in Early Intervention/Early Childhood Special Education and began working with Child Development Services in Medford, Oregon in September of 2000. Her message is one of optimism, hope, and tenacity
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